How Do I Improve My Relationship?

A lot of self-improvement goals seem to center on one relationship or another: I want to improve my relationship with my mom, so that we can have a conversation without yelling. I want to improve my relationship with my spouse so that we can sleep in the same bed by this time next week. Relationship goals are common because so much of our lives revolve around the important persons in our lives, our spouses, our parents, our kids, or our boss. Conflict in relationships seems to be normal. Many of us do not know how to resolve relationship conflicts safely and without causing harm to ourselves or the other person.

When you desire to improve any kind of relationship, one of the first things you should ask yourself is:

1. What do I want this relationship to be? The answer should be as specific as possible.

Answer: I want my husband and I to have a satisfying sexual relationship.

Answer: I want to be able to have a conversation with my mom without either of us yelling.

The next thing you need to ask yourself is if you really want this relationship and if yes, is it because the relationship has value?

2. Do I want this relationship with my husband to continue and if yes, what value am I getting out of this relationship?

Answer: Yes, I want to continue being married to my husband. The value I want out of my marriage with Ted, is financial support and a great sex life.

Answer: Yes, I want to continue having a personal relationship with my mom. I value sharing our mutual love of cooking, and I value the good memories of my childhood with her.

The next thing that you need to find out is if you are willing to invest time and energy into this relationship.

The answer is a simple yes or no to both the time and energy. If you have answered yes to all the questions than you know that improving the relationship is a worthy goal. The next step is to write down your relationship goal and be as specific as possible. Keep in mind that the goal should be simple, attainable and specific. Examples goals may be:

I want to be sleeping in the same bed with my husband by February 14, 2007.

I want to have an entire conversation with my mom that lasts at least 10 minutes without any yelling from her or myself; before February 10, 2007.

Now that you have a written goal, you need to construct a plan that details how you are going to achieve your goal. The plan give exact information about how, what, when, where and who if applicable. Sharing your goal and plan with the other person involved in your relationship is entirely up to you. An intimate relationship would be more successful if the goal is shared. A relationship that is family but not of an intimate nature (like a mom, dad, sister) may not need to be shared with the other involved party. You may ask yourself if sharing your goal and plan with the other person will benefit a positive outcome, or would the other person be upset with you for mentioning the problem and perhaps create a negative rather than positive influence. You may also consider sharing your goal/plan with someone outside of the relationship, especially if doing so will result in positive support and encouragement. Now it is time to take action and follow your plan.

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